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Vice Presidential Candidate Douglas recently met over orange juice with the editorial board of The New York Times to discuss his message of hope for People and Pets.
Douglas: I know what you're thinking. "Why should voters choose Bella and Douglas for President and Vice President? After all, Douglas couldn't even beat Lincoln in those old debates (laughs). Plus, they're cats!" Well, here is my reply: Scrrgrrr... NYT: (Looking puzzled) Um - We're sorry - could you repeat that for us? Douglas: Oops, I forgot, I lost my voice again, so I'd just better type out why you should vote for me. (Begins to type on his PawPilot.) If elected Vice President, I, Jerry Douglas Crowe of Old Town, promise to: Take a BITE out of crime! Work to end discrimination against Blacks, especially at Halloween time. Take care of domestic cat groups. I especially have an interest in Black issues, of course, but I'll also work for Hisssspanics and Asians (Siamese, Tonkinese, Singapuras, Japanese Bobtails). Unlike George W. Bush, admit I used catnip. Protect special interest groups, especially the Maine Coon fishermen, Florida orange growers, Puerto Rican plantain harvesters, and Vietnam Vets. Except for Dr. Nguyen, D.V.M., who tried to clip my back claws! Spell better than Dan Quayle. Protect equal rights for the tailed and non-tailed. After all, I'm running with a Manx. Try to keep our troops away from the Persians. That always turns into a hairy situation. Protect Social Security for kittens under age five - after all, they're only 35 in people age.
Continue America's strong foreign-policy initiatives. In particular, I will continue our good relationships with British Shorthairs and Scottish Folds while working cautiously with the Russian Blues, the Abyssinians and the Egyptian Maus. However, I will not send any Fancy Feast to the Havana Browns as long as Catstro is still in power. Work with the marshmallow growers. Marshmallows. Yummy nummy marshies. Gimme marshmallows NOW. I want marshmallows. NYT: (Editorial board members look quizically at eachother.) Yes, um, interesting. Mr. Douglas. The Iowa straw poll results show that marshmallows are not good for cats, and we would like to know if... Douglas: GIMME SOME! Gimme gimme gimme gimme some!! I want marshmallows! What do they know about cats in Iowa? Liars! Liars! You said you'd gimme some more! You said you'd gimme some more! You said you'd gimme some more!!! NYT: (Editorial board members look very concerned and begin to leave the room.) Oops, look at the time already! Well, any remarks in closing, Mr. Douglas? Douglas: Yes. Forget the Repub-lick-cans....forget the Demo-cats... NYT: Thank you, Douglas! Douglas: Scrrgrrr... Visit Bella's Scratching Post |
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NYT: Mr. Douglas, tell us about your message of hope for people and pets, please.
Work toward a peaceful end to the Finch/Grackle conflict going on outside my back door. 