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Candidate Bella Begins Whistle-Stop Tour with Near-Beating
As the sun rose in the east, the country's first-ever four-legged Presidential contender rose to the microphone before a large gathering of friendly, local wildlife. Recent polls show Maine animals split between Nader and Gore, with some weak support for former Maine resident Bush, chiefly amongst the rodent population.
The cheers and warm reception were short-lived, however, when a group of hunters appeared, rifles in hand. "She's sure got some purty stripes, ain't she?", said one, as he loaded ammo into the chamber. "You ain't from around here, are 'ya? We don't like strange cats. You'd best turn tail and--- I mean, you'd best start runnin'". The furry Bella stood her ground. But, moments later, the hunting party surrounded the feline and appeared to be preparing to give her the beating of her life. Once again, however, the absence of a tail saved Bella's skin when one of the hunters lunged for the tail and came up perplexed and empty-handed. Within minutes, Bella had returned to the train and was napping in her sleeping compartment. The Whistle Stop tour continues Sunday in Bellamy, AL; Bel, LA, and Fancy Farm, KY. |
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Sat., Nov. 4, 2000 - With the snowy peak of Mt. Katahdin as a backdrop, Manx Party candidate Bella began her last-minute, whirlwind "Whistle Stop" tour today. 
"Hunting animals is wrong!", declared the striped hopeful during an impassioned anti-gun, anti-hunting speech. "There's nothing sporting about a 'sportsman' with a shotgun!"