Campaign Hindquarters

Dec. 13, 2000 - Manx Party VP Candidate Douglas Concedes

Tap tap tap...Is this WHEEEEEEEEEE on? Can you hear me in the back?

Fourscore and several years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all cats are created equal, even those without tails. That they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights, and among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of marshmallows.

After weeks of indecision, pregnant chads, and humiliation for the great state of Florida, which could have all been avoided if you idiot humans had just voted for Bella and me in the FIRST PLACE, it looks like Mr.George W. Catnip Bush and Mr. Richard "I Have a Heart Murmur Too" Choke-Chainey have been elected president and vice president. I don't feel a bit envious of them. Who would want to be president after all this crap? While I am of course disappointed that I will not be moving to D.C. in January, I want to extend my paw of friendship to the new administration. Hoping of course, that they will extend back their hand so I can bite it!

I want to thank the millions of pets who worked so hard for the Bella/Douglas ticket. In particular, I must recognize the Siamese community, the Persian community, the Turkish Angora community, the Scottish Fold community, the British Shorthair community, the Abyssinian community, the Egyptian Mau community, the Havana Brown community, the Japanese Bobtail community, the Manx community, and most of all, the Black community for your support. I also must give props to my running (?) mate, Bella, for all her hard sleep - I mean, work. Bella makes us all proud to fly the Stripes and Stripes.

I'm sure you're all thinking, "Douglas, what are you going to do now?" After a nice nap and some catnip (yes, Dubya, I did use it and still do, proudly), I'll just wait for the call from some think tank who wishes to add me to their squeakers bureau, or go on the boards of several corporations. I've already had offers from Iams, Kraft, Eukanuba, and Dole Pineapple and I'll be weighing those in the next few days. Only one thing can be certain; like another Douglas said fifty years ago, I SHALL RETURN!

I would like all cats to stand on their hind legs, put their right front paws over their hearts, and sing along with me to this patriotic classic:

Oh beautiful for Fancy Feast,
For bites that inflict pain,
For Scottish Folds and Siamese
For Manx, and Coons of Maine!
America! America!
I shed my fur on thee!
And crown thy good with dry cat food
And marshmallows for me!

Now let's party and I'll see you all in 2004!
Ooh, ah, party!
Ooh, ah, party!
Drink a little orange juice,
Let's get funky, let's get loose,
Cat's the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it, uh huh, uh huh
Cat's the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it, uh huh, uh huh
Macho, macho, Manx...

(at this point, the news went to cover the Christmas shopping season)